A Parent’s Guide to emotion coaching in 5 steps

Taken from John Gottman’s book called, Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting 1998. Gottman undertook a variety of scientific studies, which led him to promote the approach now called ‘emotion coaching’. This approach can be helpful to parents in understanding the emotional source of problematic behaviour.

Here is a simplified version
You can follow these steps in this order for the best results.

STEP 1
Be aware of emotions
Tune in and notice your child’s feelings as well as your own.

• Pay attention and take care of your own emotions.

• Understand that emotions are a valuable part of life.

• Observe, listen and learn how your child expresses different emotions.

• Watch for changes in body language, posture and tone of voice.

STEP 2
Connect with your child
Use moments of high emotion as opportunities to connect, especially with the difficult emotions like anxiety, anger and shame.

• Try not to dismiss or avoid these heightened emotions.

• Recognise feelings and encourage your child to talk about his or her emotions. 

STEP 3
Listen to your child, validate and show that you understand

• Take your child’s emotions seriously.

• Avoid judging or criticizing your child’s emotions.

STEP 4
Name emotions
Help your child identify and name emotions.

• Be curious about how your child is feeling instead of telling your child how he or she should feel.

• Naming emotions together can help soothe a child.

• Name your own emotions and talk about them.

STEP 5
Find good solutions together

• Redirect misbehaving children for what they do, not what they feel.

• When children misbehave, help them identify the feelings behind the behaviour and explain why their behaviour was inappropriate.

• Encourage emotional expression but set clear limits on behaviour.

• Help children think through possible solutions.

Laura Bayew
Child & Adolescent Mental Health Occupational Therapist